


O'Neill and Kawalsky (Deceased): The Loveshack

by thealphagate_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Humor, challenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-02-18
Updated: 2009-02-18
Packaged: 2019-02-02 06:13:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12721155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealphagate_archivist/pseuds/thealphagate_archivist
Summary: I wrote this in 2001, it was a challenge response, it's kind of Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased), if you've ever seen that.  Anise shows up at the SGC and asks Jack to do some detecting for her.The challenge was:1. Anise is the skimpily dressed "I knew she was trouble..." girl, who wants Jack.2. Jack is the Private Detective type.3. Sam is the duller dressed but still pretty smart one, who gets Jack. (C'mon, this is me here!)4. You have to have the "I knew she was trouble..." line.Make the mystery long and involved, and half-way logical.5. Make it funny, but not silly (ala WoO).





	O'Neill and Kawalsky (Deceased): The Loveshack

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

The moment she stepped through the 'gate, I knew she was trouble. I mean, I knew. She always was. Like that time she sent us all to almost certain death. Trouble with a capital T. 

"You've got to help me!" she said, pleadingly. 

I tried to look like I wasn't falling for her feminine wiles. For cryin' out loud, she'd been here before, she'd caused trouble. I think I covered that a coupla paragraphs back. She was the most annoying Tok'ra operative in the history of Tok'ra operatives. Out of the ones we'd met, anyway. 

"Whaddya want?" I asked. 

"Oh Jack," she said, "Something terrible has happened." 

"Why don't you step into my office?" I said. 

Some people didn't realise I had an office. Sure, I spent most of my time hanging around in other people's offices. That was the way I liked it. I liked to keep my finger on the pulse. That and the fact I was liable to come across my ex-partner if I stayed in my own office too long. 

Years ago I'd hooked up with a guy. His name had been Kawalsky, Charles Kawalsky. He'd been a strange sort of guy but we'd worked well together. I don't like to tell people about Kawalsky in case they think I'm some kind of a nut. It might be the sort of thing that happens to Jackson all the time, but it freaks me out. You see, my ex-partner is dead. I'm not even sure he knows he's my ex-partner. Some people really can't take a hint. 

Maybe you think Kawalsky was just my subordinate for a coupla missions. That's not the case. What do you think I did for that year that Jackson was on Abydos? Let's just say that I made myself useful. And now that Kawalsky was dead, it didn't really affect his outlook on life. As long as I believed in him, he'd be around. I was the one that mattered. And I was the only one who could see and hear him, lucky me. 

I hadn't told Anise where my office was. It took her a while to find it. I found that strangely amusing. I was sitting in my chair when she finally arrived. Kawalsky eyed her up and down. You could tell he liked what he saw. She wasn't really my type. I knew her too well to get excited by her curvaceous curves. 

"Jack, you gotta help me," she said. 

"Yeah, you said that," I replied. "What seems to be the trouble?" 

Kawalsky was standing right behind her, pulling faces at me. It took all my powers of concentration to ignore him. 

"I think my husband's..." 

She trailed off as her eyes filled with tears. I might have comforted her if I hadn't been so shocked by the word "husband". 

"You're MARRIED?" I shouted. 

"Some guys get all the luck, eh?" said Kawalsky, attemptin' to nudge me. Okay, so his elbow went clean through my shoulder, but I got what he was trying to do. 

"But he's..." she said. 

"Look, if he's having affair, hard cheese, lady. Last time you were here you made a move on me!" 

"I felt lonely!" she said. 

"Sure, great excuse," I muttered. 

"I'd go with that one," said Kawalsky. 

I took deep breaths. This was turnin' out to be one darned awkward case. The dame travels millions of miles to ask the person she propositioned to help her with her husband's infidelity? 

"If you won't help me..." she sulked. 

"I don't see why I should," I answered. 

"I'll help! I'll help!" shouted Kawalksy. 

"Shut up," I muttered. 

"What?" said Anise. 

I sighed. Jackson stuck his head round the door. Carter was probably with him. And Teal'c. It was almost as if the four of us were magnetic. 

"Are you taking the case?" asked Jackson. 

"Why?" I asked. 

"No reason," said Jackson. 

"It's just that it'd be a change of scenery, Sir," said Carter. "We couldn't help but notice you've started talking to yourself lately." 

"Only when I'm in my office," I said. 

They were quiet for a moment. They looked at their feet and were generally uncomfortable. 

"You bugged my office, didn't you?" I asked. 

"You bet they did," said Kawalksy. 

"Oh, don't tell me you knew," I replied. 

"O'Neill, you appear to be making little sense," said Teal'c. 

I sighed again. I leaned back in my chair and propped my feet up on the desk. 

"Okay," I said, "You're telling me it'd be GOOD for my sanity to take the case of a woman with a lot of weirdness goin' on in her head?" 

"Yeah," said Jackson. 

You guessed it. I sighed. 

We took the case. Kawalsky came too. He had this weird idea that he was the brains of the partnership. One thing was certain, he was doing wonders for my sanity rating. 

The planet looked pretty barren. Weren't even the usual forests to take a walk in. 

"You know, there's nothing here," I said, turning to Anise with a scowl on my face. 

"Shall I walk through her for ya?" said Kawalsky. 

"Is your long suffering husband here, or not?" I said. 

"I really thought he would be," she said. 

"I think Teal'c would call this the pursuit of undomesticated geese," said Kawalksy. 

"Teal'c? Pursuit of undomesticated geese?" I said. 

"There are no geese, O'Neill," said Teal'c. 

"You know, I think that's the point," I said. 

"Sir, I have this strange feeling she's not even married," said Carter. 

"She's one foxy lady," said Kawalsky. 

"What sort of husband would let someone come out in that... that..." 

"Strategically placed material masquerading as an outfit?" said Jackson, completing Carter's sentence. 

"Exactly," said Carter. 

"I dunno," said Kawalsky, "I like it." 

"Well you would," I said. 

"What, I'd let my wife go out looking like a... woman of the night?" asked Jackson. 

"Nah," I said. 

"Major Carter is a woman," said Teal'c, "And I would concur with Daniel Jackson." 

"Right," I said. "So where is he? If he even exists, which I'm starting to doubt." 

Anise started walking. I shrugged, and followed her. Kawalsky walked next to Anise, trying to look down her top. He really was a piece of work. 

When we got to a ridge, Anise came to a halt. At the bottom of the slope was a bunch of pretty slap-dash dwellings. 

"He lives there?" I asked. 

"I'm kinda doubting that," said Kawalsky. "No-one living in a house like that could be worthy of such a high class dame." 

"Drop dead," I said. 

"Already have done," he replied. 

"Encore," I said. 

Anise looked at me strangely. That was one weird look in her eyes. Sure, she still looked seductive, but she also looked kinda tense. Maybe it was because I was talkin' to myself. If the talkin' put her off I wished I'd thought of it sooner! 

"He's down there," she said. 

"So now what?" I said. 

"You're the private eye, right?" she said. 

"Sure," I replied. 

I beckoned Kawalsky over. This was a job for him if ever there was one. This whole set-up was crazy. All I wanted to do was get it over with and head home. 

"Kawalsky, get down there and see what's goin' on in those huts." 

"Whatever you say, boss," he said. 

He did a mock salute and headed off down the slope. I lay down on the ground, trying to blend with the surroundings. The rest of SG-1 joined me. I tugged on Anise's skimpy clothing to make her get down too. Not too hard, just in case I started a chain reaction. 

"Where's your surveillance gear, Sir?" asked Carter. 

"Hey, you doubtin' me?" I said. 

We waited for a while until Kawalsky came back. 

"Jack," he said, "There's a guy down there. And he's having a ball, I can tell ya!" 

I raised my eyebrows. I didn't want to engage him in an in-depth conversation with the others so close. They already thought I was insane. 

"He's down there," I said to the others. 

"Sir?" said Carter. 

"X-ray vision," I replied. 

"Yeah, right," smirked Jackson. 

Teal'c raised his eyebrow like he always did. It was time for us to get moving. Things were getting bizarre. 

"Okay, Anise," I said, "So he's having fun with the ladies. Whaddya want me to do about it?" 

She looked sulky again. I thought she was going to cry. 

"You could go down there and confront him," said Jackson. 

"Great idea," I said, sarcastically. 

I shouldn't have taken my eyes off of the evil devil woman, but I did. Jackson distracted me for that all important split second. 

"Jack!" shouted Kawalsky. 

I turned, and Anise was pointing a Zat gun at me. This was turning out to be a bad day. 

"I'm gonna shoot him. You can't stop me," she said. 

"Who, me?" I asked. 

"The guy in the hut, stupid," said Kawalsky. 

"Oh, the guy in the hut," I said. 

"Yeah, the guy in the hut," she said. 

Walking down the slope a little way, she levelled the weapon at the hut and fired. The blast shook the fabric of the crummy building. The inhabitants screamed. A pretty dishevelled looking guy came out and looked up at us. 

"Hey," he said. 

"He did it!" shouted Anise, pointing at me. 

He glowered. I guess he was unhappy at being forced to leave his little love shack. Anise threw herself at me and kissed me. I tried to push her away, and noticed the Zat gun at my feet. I guess I looked suspicious. 

"Why would I do that?" I asked. 

"Because you WANT her?" asked the guy. 

"Ew, no, I don't want her," I said. 

"You don't?" he said. 

"No," I said. 

"I want her," said Kawalsky. 

"Well you can't have her," I said. 

"Can't I?" said the guy. 

"What?" I said. 

"Have her?" he said. 

"Oh, sure. Take her," I said. 

"Alright then, I will," he said. 

And with that he strode up to her, and grabbed her. She put up a really pathetic act, like she was trying to escape, but she winked at me as he took her away. Some people. 

And that was the end of it. One insane day in the life of an Air Force Colonel. I mean, I didn't really understand it. Carter told me that Anise had lured me there to make the other man jealous. Okay, so they weren't married, but she probably had designs on him. I guess the extra bit of jealousy made him declare his intentions. 

"That woman, I bet she has designs on any guys with a pulse, eh?" said Kawalsky. 

"Hey!" I replied, "You've seen my masculine charm at work." 

"Yeah, right," he replied. "I wish I had a pulse," he added, quietly. 

And with that I settled down in my chair, wonderin' who'd be next through the office door. Any dames tryin' to seduce me would be outta luck. Thinkin' about it, there was only one woman I'd like to come through that door. Maybe I'd get lucky.


End file.
